Courtship is not dead: The science of flirting
People always ask how I met my husband. And the first thing we both remember about our first encounter was the exchange of an intense gaze.
We both noticed each other across the room, but what followed next was crucial - he approached me and I always say that if he didn’t make that move and come up to me, I don’t think we would have had our love story.
Call me old fashioned, but courting has evolved over million of years - you can take the girl out of the stone age, but you can’t take the stone age out of the girl. I need a man to court me, because to me it signals confidence. If a man is too shy or insecure to approach me, I’m instantly turned off. This doesn’t mean that men are the seducers and women the coy, submissive recipients, the contrary – in fact, if you ask my husband he will tell you that I practically penetrated him with my stare – so in his version of the story, I was the one who made the first move.
Women are no longer pawns in property exchanges, we can choose to marry for love, we are sexually liberated, and so of course we can be pursuers too. But, eventually, the guy has to respond to our cues or the dating cannot begin so it’s crucial that men learn to get the hint and take it from there.
Yet the number one complaint I hear from single women is that guys don’t approach them in real life anymore, and that courting only happens virtually.
And many men tell me that they fear to approach women due to “me too”, which they all agree is an absolutely necessary movement but unfortunately has caused an unofficial ban and general confusion about who can do what with whom and under what circumstances.
But although hiding behind our screens seems safe, we actually lose out on opportunities of connection that can only take place in in-person encounters. It may seem like feminism and technology have made flirting redundant. But Biologically, flirting is the first line of defense in the mating game. Throughout our evolutionary past, men and women interacted primarily in the social sphere, and flirting was part of a prolonged courtship process. So removing this essential building block of connection can make us starved for intimacy and can cause a variety of mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. This is why I’m an advocate for ditching dating apps and meeting people IRL.
Most people think that flirting is sexual, but Flirting Is Not About Sex. We need to look at flirting as a necessary tool of establishing social connection (regardless of gender) and remove the sexual aspect from it. Being nice or kind or gentle with the person does not mean you’re asking them to go home with you.
The best flirting is like a great tennis match. You have to serve and the other person has to pass the ball back. I think that a lot of the confusion comes from people not being able to accurately read and interpret those important signals that are our ways of communicating interest. That’s why both men and women have to develop this social intelligence to improve their dating experiences. For example, puffing the chest can come across as intimidating – same with a gaze – a stare can be threatening in some contexts so it really is crucial that we use those cues in the right way and context, We also need to learn to read the response. If someone is not retuning our gaze, it doesn’t mean we need to try harder, it means that the other person is not interested. We need to drop it and move on, not stalk the person or corner them.
I think we need to use common sense and stop making all men responsible for a few men’s bad behavior and vice-versa.
But my bottom line, as long as you’re not inappropriately touching the person, or invading their personal space, you should not be afraid to flirt. It’s a gift to give to people, You’re recognizing them as an individual, and you’re making them feel special.
“Attention without intention,” as Oscar Wilde once said. However, flirting only crosses the line to harassment if the attention is unwelcome.
The basic rules are: Never push. Never pressure. No means no.
We are all designed and equipped with courting tools, and we can learn how to perfect our game by practicing.
Love Hacks to perfect your flirt
1: Eye contact
Make and hold eye contact.
If someone catches your eye when you’re out, there’s no harm in letting them see that. Sustained eye contact can lead to feelings of love and can draw their attention away from the others. The next time you are in a public place or social event. Let’s say you’re at a party, if you see a person you like, just look at them and smile. If they look and smile back at you, you can interpret that as a sign of approachability. If the person looks away quickly, drop it and move on.
2: Use Ice breakers to approach
You can just go up to the person and say “hi” or if you have noticed something about their outfit you can compliment them for example, “that’s a really nice hat”.
Or if you’re at the supermarket and you see someone you find attractive grab a bag of chips you can ask “are those good?” and then pay attention – if the person uses an open smile and continu the conversation, that’s usually a sign that they’re interested. If they don’t smile and answer abruptly, then just say “thanks” and move on – remember, don’t insist.
If you’re at the gym you can use the so-called “smoothie method. So for example if you see someone you like you can ask if they know a good smoothie place around, or if your gym has a smootie bar, you can ask them which one they recommend. If they’re interested, they will continue the conversation over a smoothie.
3: React to their jokes
Picture the scene: You’re chatting with someone you’re into and they keep cracking jokes. Don’t play coy. Laugh out loud and let them know you find them hilarious. Giggling at someone’s jokes can be effective because laughter indicates liking. Humor is one of the most desirable traits when seeking a partner. This simple sign shows a potential partner that you find them funny and interesting, and they feel heard and validated. Also having a shared sense of humor speaks to compatibility.
4: Use appropriate touch.
When you’re chatting to someone, gently touching their arm could let them know that you’re interested and allows you to form a bond.
Touch also releases the hormone oxytocin that helps you feel bonded with one another. The more touch that takes place, the closer you feel to one another. Disclaimer: make sure you keep consent in mind when touching other people.
5: Give them a hug.
If the timing is right and they’re open to it, lean in for a hug. This is a quick way to make a connection with someone new, and it’s all thanks to a little thing called science. Hugging releases oxytocin, which bonds us.
If you want to delve deeper into the topic and learn more about flirting, check out my Love Evolved podcast episode:
